


Disappearing Light

by JMoonrise



Series: Disappearing Light [1]
Category: Outlander & Related Fandoms, Outlander (TV), Outlander Series - Diana Gabaldon
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst and Tragedy, F/M, Gods, Love, Modern Era, Revenge, Slow Burn, Soulmates, Surprises
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-10
Updated: 2019-01-25
Packaged: 2019-06-08 13:10:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15244095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JMoonrise/pseuds/JMoonrise
Summary: In the middle ages, in the midst of a war, a young warrior lost his lady, sinking the world into darkness. In the present day, a young Claire struggles with her violent dreams and merely exists in a world that seems to have no light.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi Guys!! Don't worry TRBU is my number 1 priority and I won't start regularly posting chapters on this story until that one is complete. I've just had this idea for ages now, and I wanted to finally do something with it.

_Our tale originates from a story first told over a millennia ago when Gods still roamed the earth…_

**873 A.D**

The sound of hooves sloshing in the muddy earth could be heard for a mile out. The inhabitants of the village felt the vibrations under their feet, and halted their activities as the gallops drew near.

Cries of happiness and rejoicing were heard from the villagers as they spotted their men who were off waging war after the events of two years previous.

I watched as warriors reunited with their families after our long year away. Many of the lads were just past their eighteenth years of life. They should’ve been married instead of waging war, but alas life doesn’t always work the way we wanted.

“Ser,” many of them bowed their heads respectfully, if not a tad fearfully as I rode past.

Many of them wore expressions of weariness and were only too happy to escape to their homes as I passed by. They were tired and simply wanted rest after our hard fought victory. 

Some of the men followed me as we were to have a feast that night.

A sigh escaped me as I caught my first glimpse of the stone castle after so long. I knew before I arrived at the gates that nothing would ever be the same again.

One of my men approached slowly before me just as the heavens opened up before us and unleashed their fury. My tears mixed with the dirt clinging to my pores and the rain that felt from the sky because I knew what they were about to tell me.

They had stolen the light.

I tried hard to recall her soft, porcelain skin as we laid in bed. How the candlelight illuminated all of her features for me, and I saw the utter radiance in her beauty. She was my everything.

My eyes hardened as he said the words I imagined I would hear. “Ser, I have the most unfortunate news.” His head was lowered as he was unable to maintain contact. “Strangers raided the village two weeks ago. My lady was in the fields at the time, and they went right for her. All we found was a trail of blood. We sent a messenger…” he trailed off nervously.

His eyes darted towards the angry, black clouds littering the sky as if he knew the exact cause. Several suspected over the years, but no one had ever come forth.

The water pooled at my feet, but I was frozen in place at the realization she was truly departed. “I want ye and every other man of fighting age to gather in the square. I will find whoever did this and they’ll feel my wrath.”

I swore angrily as he quickly scurried off towards the village. My men shifted anxiously behind me, and I heard the clink of their swords as they lowered themselves to the ground.

My gaze shifted from one solemn face to another as they all knelt before me to express their condolences for we all knew she was lost. “Hear me now, I swear vengeance upon those that took her, and I’ll see to it that they will all die. Now be gone with ye,” I waved my hand to dismiss them as I wandered into the castle.

Servants paused their hurried activities to gawk at me as I walked past. They lowered their heads mournfully before continuing their duties.

The storm continued to rage outside, and I couldn’t be bothered with any of it.

Everything was stolen from me. I was half what I once was. Without her, I didn’t want to exist.


	2. Waking Dream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my lovely readers,   
> I really want to make this story a priority, so my Rivers universe is taking a backseat at the moment.

**_“All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream.”  
― Edgar Allan Poe_ **

 

_It started with the trembling of her hands, but soon spread quickly to the rest of her. She was unable to prevent the shaking that overtook her body as she was crippled by fear. Her eyes were squeezed shut as she repeated over and over to herself "this is a nightmare. I'm sleeping. Wake up!"_

_Her heart thumped erratically in her chest. She could hear the thumping over the pounding in her ears. It wasn't supposed to be like this. She wasn't supposed to die like this._

_"Didn't you wonder why it was so easy?" The voice taunted her._

_She couldn't make out any shapes as there was only darkness. It had been days since she saw light. Her throat was closed up, but even if she were able to control any part of her body, she had no words._

_Her captor chuckled malevolently as if taunting her for inability to escape. She knew whoever was with her enjoyed the fear that clung to her bones. They relished in her screams that never seemed to stop._

_"I'm going to kill you here." It was a promise. "No one will ever know what happened to you." The figure stepped forward and she fell back in terror. She knew the face of her captor. It couldn't be. "All I needed was your trust." And then it was all over, a dagger moved swiftly through the air and she felt herself freed from her bound existence_.

Claire Beauchamp screamed in fright as she quickly sat up in her bed. Her heart beat frantically as if trying to climb out of her chest. She couldn't stop screaming as the images continued to assault her.

She could still feel the dagger pressed up against her throat, the blood as it rushed out of her. All she saw the red of her blood as it covered the floor, and the righteous laughter from her killer.

Lights popped on outside her door. A rush of fabric, and she was engulfed in a hug. "Oh Claire," her friend sighed in sympathy as she knew the routines by now. "I thought it was better."

Claire bit her lip. She knew not to answer. The truth was that she avoided sleep for the very reason that her slumber was constantly plagued by nightmares. She had felt the drooping of her eyes as it became harder and harder to fight the oncoming attack. Her body required rest, but she knew what would happen the moment she closed her eyes.

It happened every night since she turned seventeen. She had been to seven therapists in the last two years alone, especially because the first night, it took hours before she would stop screaming and crying upon waking.

Things went downhill from there and her life had never been the same. Those were the parts she hated to think about. She hated how her flat mate was stuck taking care of her when the night terrors came. It had become more than embarrassing, especially the time when she had soiled her sheets.

"It's okay Claire," Geillis whispered as she held her tightly. "You're safe."

Claire knew it was a lie. She wasn't safe.

The dreams wouldn’t stop. They kept coming.

_She was in a large, grassy area sort of like a large field. In the distance, she could make out the heads of treetops._

_A multitude of flowers, all shapes and sizes, surrounded her. She was happy, at least as happy as she could be. There was something that caused her heart to ache and there a buried anguish she tried to hide._

_The sun shone brightly on her and her skin appeared to be glowing. Her feet were bare, but weren’t grubby as expected._

_The dress she wore was white and flowy. The material caressed her skin, and she was surprised by its’ softness._

_In an instant the dream changed from a fairytale to an absolute nightmare. She was gagged and bound by an unknown assailant as she danced in her flowers. Her body was dragged against a jagged, rocky surface as her kidnappers didn’t care about her pain. She felt each nick and scrape on her skin and the blood as poured from her and dried._

_The rain fell heavily, soaking her through to the bone. She shivered violently, having never reacted to rain like this before. She had no idea how she was caught unaware as her senses were usually better than that, or at least they had been._

_By the time she was loaded into a wagon, she knew her skin was completely raw. She felt the moment her shoulder dislocated as her captors certainly weren’t gentle in how they handled her._

_Her body curled in on itself as she succumbed to the injuries her body incurred. Dimly in her unconscious, she relished in the destruction the storm was causing._

_She was in the cave. There were voices she registered in the background, but she was unable to pick out a single one. With a groan, she pushed herself into a sitting position. At least she could see. It was better than not knowing. The ropes against her were too strong and would only cause more damage to her already fragile skin._

_Her heightened senses forced her to pay better attention to her surroundings. With a start, she saw she was not alone. “You!” She screeched angrily._

_“Yes, it is me.” They replied. The face was blurry, but she saw the dark hair. “I didn’t want to. But you’ve caused too much trouble.”_

_The betrayal stung like no other. “Why?” She whispered hoarsely. Her throat was sore from lack of moisture._

_“If it weren’t for you, there would be no war.” It was a bit of an exaggeration. The war was always on the horizon. Specific events only hastened the dawn of it. “With you out of the way, my family will live in peace.”_

_She spit angrily forgetting all sense of propriety. “How… how could you think I wanted this?” She wasn’t always what she was._

_Their eyes dropped and she thought perhaps she saw some tears. She could almost muster some pity for this poor creature if not for the fact that she was the one suffering. “It doesn’t matter what I think.” They finally replied after some time passed._

_“Why not?” Her curiosity burned as the defection began to hit her. “You clearly have free will and thought. Don’t tell me you regret your actions?” Her tone was wry. She believed regret was an empty emotion. If you hadn’t done something wrong in the first place, there was no need for it._

_Violet eyes snapped in her direction and burned with some undetected emotion. “I had no choice. I lost so much. They promised if I helped, it would all be over.”_

_“Then you are truly a fool.” She turned her head away and refused to look. Eventually they took their leave and she was alone once again with only her thoughts for company._

_She was aware there was no getting out of this one. She buried her head in her knees and cried tears for the situation they were stuck in. There were no winners, for they had all lost._

Claire woke up, her heart pounding in her chest. It was the first time since the nightmares began that she dreamt of something other than blood. While the dream was no fantasy, it was much more pleasant than the ones that plagued her since her seventeenth birthday.

She at least knew more about the situation that led to the eventual cave death. However, Claire still didn’t understand why it was happening to her. The dreams provided no context and names were never exchanged. However, each dream was highly realistic. In the dream, she felt each nick of the skin, scrape, and scratch as if it were actually happening to her.

With a sigh, she rolled over to glance at her alarm clock. The LED lights blinked back 4:00 am. She groaned into her pillow. It was hard to fall back asleep after one of her dreams.

Her thoughts were consumed with the events she witnessed. She was never sure of when the dream occurred. It was unclear as everything related to the dreams was. She grabbed her dream diary from her bedside table and began to scribble about tonight’s before she forgot it. She recorded every single detail of dreams in the diary as a request from her therapist. They usually discussed it during her sessions.

Claire’s eyes blinked wearily as she figured out what she was going to do now that sleep had been made impossible. Her eyes lingered on her unopened textbook.

Her homework fell to the wayside over the last few days, and she knew how much her professor enjoyed calling on students who didn’t raise their hands. It was better caught knowing the answer than being unaware and humiliated.

She released a breath as she gathered her blanket to wrap around herself. The chair was nice and comfy the way she liked, and she flipped open the textbook and groaned. As her focus primarily related to anything prior to the enlightenment/colonization, she often became frustrated at the inability of her peers to stop believing in such stupid myths. 

In her issues course on the Middle Ages, they were currently covering the war between mortals and Gods. She didn’t believe in such rubbish, but amongst historians of the era, there was a general consensus of what occurred and most of them agreed about the general events. Even her contemporary peers believed in it.

With a sigh of disappointment, she began to read.

_In 800 A.D., the God of Creation married his wife, a mortal whose name remains unknown. She had been mortal until he bestowed upon her the power to control the earth. According to Jakob, a native of Scandinavia, she could cause the earth to shake with her anger, the clouds to rain with her tears, and the flowers to bloom with her happiness. Many historians are unsure of his origins as there is no official documentation of him except for his recorded histories._

_Jakob reported that the events of 873 A.D. changed the relations between God and Man. Gods lived happily with mortals for well over a millennia until mortals began to view themselves as greater than the beings that created them. An unspeakable act occurred for which there are no records. The Gods accused man of coveting that which was not theirs, and a war to end all wars began between God and man._

_Several battles were fought, which resulted in the deaths of thousands. Some historians estimate the count to be as high as half a million. During the course of the war, Creation lost his wife. With his wife gone, he and man arranged a treaty in which the gods retreated to their own realm and man kept theirs. The two were no longer to associate with one another unless man found himself in great peril. With the treaty in place, the Gods vanished and no man or woman has seen hide nor hair of them since._

Claire rolled her eyes in irritation. While it made for entertaining literature, she simply could not put stock into what amounted to a bunch of fairytales.

She slammed shut the book and tossed it to the floor. She would read about the battles at a later point in time. For now, she couldn’t read without wanting to bash her head in. It was all so frustrating. In her opinion, people in the Middle Ages were probably bored while others were out fighting. They needed some entertainment and shared stories with each other, in the process creating a myth that has endured for over millennia. It sounded much more plausible, which was what she told her teacher in sixth form. Of course that was after she called her an idiot for perpetuating such blasphemy.

It was probably best she got started on her morning routine before she went on another thought rant against her former teacher.

She set about watering the flowers in her garden. Despite the increase in rain, her poor flowers were still quite dehydrated. They had flourished the previous year, but as of late, they refused to bloom even for her.

Geillis often joked that as much time as she spent out there, she would turn green one day too. Claire would chuckle a bit before poking her tongue out.

Then she made breakfast for herself. Geillis didn’t appreciate her vegan habits. She often ate bacon just to irritate Claire, but she loved her flat mate and her meat eating ways nonetheless. It was a personal choice for her as she had always respected nature. Her parents said she had always refused meat as a child.

As it was Friday, it was time for her bi-weekly appointment with her therapist. It was a stipulation to her parents paying for her university fees.

 _If only I could convince them I wasn’t about to off myself._ After the first week, Claire could no longer handle the twisted dreams. She attempted to kill herself, but her mother found her before any permanent damage could be done. Her wrists were wrapped and she was given a blood transfusion. Her mother had the bathtub replaced and threw out an entire towel set. Her wrists still bore the scars of that attempt and itched whenever she thought of that night.

Then her parents placed her on a 48 hour suicide watch before shipping her off to the institution. It only made the nightmares worse as not only her screams pierced the nighttime air, but she could hear the screams of the other inhabitants.

She never truly wanted to die, but at this point they no longer believed her. She was stuck attending therapy until she was out from under her parents.

No one seemed to understand and the meds they gave her made it more difficult for her to escape the vivid dreams. Sometimes they even facilitated the overall realness. In the institution, she was constantly drugged and walking around in a haze. It was seven months of her own personal hell and the treatment didn’t help a bit. The combination of medications resulted in her not knowing Monday from Saturday.

By the time her parents finally removed her from the facility, she was a walking, talking zombie. All of the light and color were stripped from her life. Sometimes she wished her mother had just come in a few minutes later, then it would all be over. Maybe she would’ve had peace.   

She had tried in the beginning to avoid sleep altogether, but then her dreams and reality began to blend together and it was much easier if she only dealt with it when she was unconscious. At least then she could feel safe when she was awake.

There was nothing Claire wanted more than for the nightmares to end. She wanted to feel normal again because she couldn’t even remember what that felt like.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I haven't posted for this story since July. I apologized for that. Rivers sort of took over my life and sanity. I'm coming off a hiatus. The pressure of writing and posting overwhelmed to the point where I cried when I opened a blank document. Taking time off from writing has allowed me to focus on other aspects of my life like my mental health and reclaim my love of writing. I really do enjoy it from writing poetry, to journaling.
> 
> Question of the week: What is something that causes you to stress?   
> I suppose my answer would seem obvious, but it's actually talking. I have social anxiety, which means contact with people can leave me feeling stressed most of the time even around people I've known most of my life. I always feel that I'm being judged negatively by others and find myself dwelling on conversations where I felt criticized even if the other person has moved on.

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think.


End file.
